The Circle of Control: Helping Kids Manage Worries, Stress, and Big Feelings
- Emma Nelson
- Jul 15
- 4 min read
As parents, caregivers, and therapists, one of the hardest things to watch is a child feeling overwhelmed by things they cannot change. Kids often worry about what others think, mistakes they have made, future events, friendships, school situations, or things happening around them. Their brains are still developing the skills needed to separate what they can control from what they cannot control.
The Circle of Control is a simple but powerful tool that helps children understand where to focus their energy. Instead of spending all their effort worrying about things outside their control, children learn to identify choices they can make and actions they can take.
What Is the Circle of Control?
The Circle of Control teaches children that life is made up of two categories:
Things Inside My Control
These are things a child can influence through their own choices, actions, and responses.
Examples:
How I speak to others
How I handle my emotions
Whether I ask for help
How I treat my friends
Whether I try my best
My effort at school
The coping skills I use
How I respond to a problem
A child may not always be able to control the outcome, but they can control the steps they take.
For example:
“I can’t control whether I win the game, but I can control whether I try my best and encourage my teammates.”
Things Outside My Control
These are things that children may worry about but cannot change.
Examples:
What other people think
What other people say
The weather
The past
Someone else’s choices
Whether everyone likes me
Things that already happened
How another person feels
Children often spend a lot of emotional energy trying to control these things because they feel uncertain or scary.
A helpful reminder is:
“Worrying about something I cannot control does not give me more control.”
Why Do Kids Struggle With Control?
Many children naturally believe that worrying helps them prepare for problems. They may think:
“If I worry enough, I can stop something bad from happening.”
“If I think about it over and over, I can fix it.”
“If someone is upset, it must be my job to make them feel better.”
While these thoughts are understandable, they can leave children feeling exhausted and anxious.
Learning the Circle of Control helps children ask:
“Is this something I can do something about?”
If the answer is yes: Choose an action.
If the answer is no: Practice letting go and focusing on what is possible.
How Parents Can Teach the Circle of Control
1. Validate Feelings First
Before helping a child problem-solve, acknowledge their feelings.
Instead of:
“Don’t worry about it. You can’t control that.”
Try:
“I can tell this is really bothering you. It makes sense that you wish you could change it.”
Children are more able to learn coping skills when they feel understood.
2. Help Them Sort the Problem
When your child is upset, ask:
“Is this something inside your control or outside your control?”
Examples:
Problem: “My friend is mad at me.”
Ask:
Can you control your friend’s feelings? ❌
Can you apologize if you made a mistake? ✅
Can you use kind words? ✅
Problem: “I’m worried I will fail my test.”
Ask:
Can you control the exact grade you get? ❌
Can you study and ask questions? ✅
3. Focus on Small Choices
Sometimes children feel overwhelmed because they think they need to fix everything at once.
Help them find one small thing they can control:
Taking a deep breath
Asking for help
Taking a break
Trying again
Using positive self-talk
Making a plan
Small actions build confidence.
Using the Circle of Control With Anxiety
For children who struggle with anxiety, the Circle of Control can be especially helpful because anxiety often focuses on uncertainty.
An anxious thought might sound like:
“What if everyone laughs at me tomorrow?”
A Circle of Control response might be:
“I cannot control what everyone thinks, but I can control being kind, preparing, and using coping skills.”
The goal is not to eliminate worry completely. Everyone worries sometimes.
The goal is to help children recognize:
“I can handle difficult feelings, and I can choose how I respond.”
Circle of Control and Emotional Regulation
The Circle of Control pairs well with other emotional regulation skills, including:
Deep breathing
Mindfulness
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Identifying thoughts and feelings
Problem-solving skills
Self-compassion
It helps children move from:
❌ “Everything is a problem I have to fix.”
to:
✅ “I can focus on what I can do.”
A Simple Practice Activity
The next time your child feels worried, try this:
Step 1:
Name the worry.
“What is your brain worried about?”
Step 2:
Sort it.
“Is this inside your control or outside your control?”
Step 3:
Choose one action.
“What is one small thing you can do?”
Step 4:
Practice letting go.
“What can we remind your brain to release?”
Final Thoughts
The Circle of Control is a simple tool, but it teaches a lifelong skill: learning where to place our energy.
Children cannot control everything that happens around them. However, they can learn that they have power over their choices, actions, coping skills, and responses.
When kids understand the difference between what they can and cannot control, they often feel more confident, capable, and calm.
Want to help your child practice this skill?I created a child-friendly Circle of Control worksheet designed to help kids identify worries, sort what they can control, and build confidence in their choices.
Written by Emma Nelson, LPC New Prospects Counseling
Helping children and families build emotional skills for life.
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